I am overweight. I am not happy with my weight and while I am not morbidly obese, I need to lose some weight for my health and I want to lose some weight for my vanity.

I know. One should not allow society to dictate the norms of beauty but I am a member of society and so, they can and do dictate to me.

I’ve decided to quit all the b.s. I have have been messing with about weight loss and exercise. For example I recently discovered that just reading about weight loss and/or exercise does not make you lose weight or get in shape. What a load of crap. I love to read. If I read the (name your diet here), why doesn’t the fat melt away? All that time I’ve spent reading and following the next big thing in weight loss theory was for NOTHING. I still am 27 pounds heavier than I want to be and I still have to stop and catch my breath after climbing 2 flights of stairs. My thighs jiggle more than I care for and my waistline is non-existent. I have morphed into a blob of self-disgust.

Okay. So now what? Well, even though I’m breathing heavily, I can climb those stairs under my own power. THANK YOU! If I could get rid of all of the arcane weight loss information I have in my brain, I might be 27 pounds lighter right now! I can’t. But, contained in my brain with the fads and baloney are some real truths. The most important thing is eat what you like, but not too much and get your butt up off the couch and move around. Of course, if you don’t like the exercise, you won’t do it. If the diet is a diet and not a way of life, you won’t sustain the weight loss. That is what is all boils down to. All the books and tapes really say the same thing. Eat less, move more. 

This is what I am going to do, and in fact have already started doing. I found this site called myfitnesspal.com. It’s free, and, if you use it, you can find some startling things about yourself. Like, who knew that the candy you eat after dinner has calories? If I cut that out, I could lose 15 pounds in a year with no other changes. But, I don’t have to cut it out. If I cut it in half, I can still lose 7.5 pounds. This is a huge understanding for me.

So why did I title this post accountability? Because I have been in denial but no more. The food entering my face is not because my husband likes it, or because I’ll hurt someone’s feeling if I don’t eat it. It’s entering my face because I put it there and only I can stop it, reassess and put food in that will help me achieve my goals. It’s not going to happen by my niece’s wedding. (It might have if I hadn’t kept reading about how to do it). But it will happen. 

I’m changing my goals though. My goal is no longer to “lose 27 pounds by my birthday”. I’ve had that goal for the last 10 birthdays. I’m bored with it. My new goal is to walk for 30 minutes everyday for 30 days, rain or shine, do yoga everyday for 30 days and to eat mindfully-be aware of everything I eat by tracking it on myfitnesspal.com for 30 days. Why did I pick such seemingly benign activities (Walking and Yoga)? Because I LIKE doing those things already.

I wonder what will happen in 30 days?

I spent most of Friday and Saturday dreading Sunday. After having bad experiences with trying to ride a horse in the past, I had arranged for riding lessons with a friend. It was an amazing experience for which I will always be grateful. Stormy was awesome. He let me know he would be kind. He listened (sort of) and best of all, I didn’t fall, get trampled or anything. It was liberating and spectacular. You haven’t lived until you lean into your horse to clean his hooves and he picks up his leg with no prompting. This week, he and I will spend time walking around the pastures, getting to know one another. 

I am planning a spa weekend. Healthy food, yoga, calm music, little driving. I am thankful for the ability to do that. I am thankful for lent, which provides the opportunity to bring fish into the house for dinner with little flack. I am thankful that part of the whole spa thing involves lots of green tea. I love green tea. I am grateful I have tomorrow evening to myself for meditation and relaxation. I am thankful that I will also learn Skype tomorrow. Welcome me into the 21st century. I am grateful I am no longer running a fever and am coherent enough to accomplish this.

This weekend, the focus was on ‘mircacles happen’. Yesterday’s focus was hope. Today’s focus is Abundance. What abundance is to be found in scarcity of our world right now?

I am grateful for the abundance of sunshine this morning. I am grateful for the abundance of gas in my tank right now. Thank God I can still fill it. I am grateful we’re having pasta for dinner. I am grateful for the abundance of eggs in the refrigerator. I am grateful for the Onion, which supplies and abundance of reason to the screwed up world in which we live.

One of the things I know is that in order be successful at something, you need to be consistent. One of the things I know about myself is that I have good intentions but I get distracted so easily and struggle most mornings to get out of bed. I feel like I lost myself and don’t know how to get back to me. 

Since this is about gratitude, I will tell you I am grateful that I know what I need to do to get back. I grateful I have not stopped thinking about what I need to do. I am grateful that right now, I feel like I have the strength to schlep up the 166 stairs and do one of the things I need to do today. I am grateful the sky is once again blue and the temperature is on the rise.

That’s all I can do today. I am tired. At least I am back to upper case.

when i feel depressed, there is nothing to be grateful for. i have had that feeling for many days. i am feeling lower-case. 

but today, the sky is impossibly blue. i talked to elizabeth yesterday and she sounded really happy. i think my christmas cactus may be getting blooms on it. tazo tea can evoke a feeling of calm which is very comforting and the weather man says we may reach 50 degrees this week.

i hope i can get beyond the lower-case attitude.

Friday has a way of showing up. 

I am grateful for Craig, Lily and Elizabeth.

I am grateful for my home, my car and my job.

I am grateful for the strength I am somehow able to summon to get out of bed each day.

I am grateful that tomorrow I will be able to sleep in and I can conserve that inner strength for another day.

Friday’s are fraught with reasons to be felicitous and frankly thankful.

For example, Friday is the last day of the week to fry your brain with fractious facts for new faculty. Thank God I have a job.

Friday is followed by the frivolity of Saturday and Sunday. Thank God it is the weekend.

Friday night is a good night for a fire, Frangelico and fun. Thank God I have a warm house to live in.

Friday is for family. Thank God for my family.

Friday is fish day. Thank God I have enough to eat.

Thank you for the subtlety of the Cashore Marionettes and their gifted creator.

Thank you for…Wednesday.

Thank you for my oatmeal today.

Thank you for the rugs all piled up and messed up in the dining room and hallway. Must have been quite a party Oliver.

Last and never least, thank you for Craig who continues to love me in spite of my faults.

It’s already Sunday. So much to thank the universe for this week.

Earlier in the week, I saw an otter swimming just a little faster than the current in the Chippewa River. Very cool.

Yesterday, there was fog early in the morning. The air was cold, about 16 degrees so everywhere the fog settled, it froze and left a blanket of white ice-crystals. Lily and I had to go to town just as the sun was coming up. The entire world was shades of white and gray. As we turned out of the driveway and approached the bridge going over the creek, a huge gray wolf ran across the road. It was amazing and powerful.

I am making progress on several projects. Thank you for the time to work on them.

The lack of snow might be depressing except the roads are great to drive on.

Still feeling healthy and I begin work on my second bucket list item tomorrow. It should be fun and empowering. Thank you for the strength to do it.

Happy Sunday.